Greg FeelyQuadriplegic - for now.

Flickers of movement or hope?

So my physio told me I moved my toes and fingers the other day. I trust this physio (other ones have said this but I think they said it so I would believe in their therapy and keep paying for it) ((this one is the first one so far that I trust too)) It’s funny when he tells me this, because it’s the thing I want most in the world and instead of being excited I greet it with scepticism and doubt and try to think of all the different flukes, mistakes or muscle spasm that it could be instead controlled movement. Now you would think you might feel good after or be in a positive mood, no… it kind of fucks you up and throws you for a loop. Maybe its because hope is a funny thing, you have to put it near the back of your mind and just keep trying. Maybe its because the health care system and mainstream medicine tries to drive it from you and condition it from you. Its more than that and more complicated, but its not from feeling sorry for myself or being depressed, if you know me beyond your computer screen you know I am nowhere near those two things. Is it easier to go through each day with a bit of acceptance and hope?  I just thought my reaction would have been different the first time it happened and I believed it. Maybe its just disbelief that something you want so bad actually happened. Maybe thats how a lifelong lottery ticket buyer might react after winning the lottery.  Alex do you have any idea what Im talking about? Now im not talking anywhere near about wiggiling my toes or picking up a pencil but small detectable  flickers of movement below my level of injury (breaking your neck at different levels corresponds to paralisys at different levels of your neck,arms,back……. or legs if you are lucky… I mean your luck is less bad. That is known as level of injury). So does wiggiling and that movent mean I have to increase my level of hope  Can you tell this has got me feeling confused?

Greg